I cannot believe that Spike Lee is complaining that there were no black men in “Flags of our Fathers” or “Letters from Iwo Jima” when he has a long history of ignoring whole segments of society in his own movies. Where were the gay Eskimos in “Malcolm X”? How about the short shifting of Welsh miners in “Girl 6″? His blantant pandering to the anti-Polynesian crowd in Inside Man? The depth to which this director has stooped to ignore valuable and important worldly demographics is astounding.

Spike Lee, there is only two ways to atone. First you could choose to shut the hell up. This is, of course, as likely as Emmerich and Dean winning the best Drama Oscar, so we’ll just move on to option 2. You must include in your next movie every single race, creed, and culture on the planet. If you don’t include the Berkley Klingons or the Dallas vampires, or some dude from Yap you have failed to bring true diversity to your movie. I don’t care if it’s set in a time where racism and segregation was far more prevelant than now, all of your movies must be set in such a way that they are flowery rainbow utopias of racial bliss and harmony… preferably populated by Princess Unicorn Bunny Kitten Angels.

Until then, I’m going to go back and return to ignoring you and Clint Eastwood.

You should have more patience, it is after all still…

MONDAY! MONDAY! MONDAY!

It’s been one year since Lootbag Commando shocked the interwebs, and yet as time has gone by his shabby exterior hasn’t changed much. This is, of course, an anthema to most in the high-pressure biz of Hollywood. Yet the LBC don’t take no crap from no one! Find out why you shouldn’t replace your guns with radios in… MINIATURE RULES’ ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA!

http://battletech.cavaliercavalry.com/mrules.htm

MINIATURE RULES: 54 reasons to play Battletech while not entirely sober.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/more/06/07/obit.mckay.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

I remember all the times in the 80′s and 90′s listening to him and Jack Arute call the Indy 500.

Evil Imperial asked “What opportunities for loot have there been in the Jihad?”

I have answerd thusly:

Sung to Tempelton’s Night Out from Charlotte’s Web.

A Jihad is a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord orgasbord
After the crowds have been gassed
Each night when the HPGs go out
It can be found on the ground all around
Oh, what a Commando’s feast!

Unguarded mints and bits of jewelry stores
Pension funds and classified gov’ment documents
Melted glowing gold, lost generals
Blakie goodies everywhere

Lots of salvage, engine cores
Clan tech deals and lost Chancellors
And lots of lustrous loot to leave with from the Jihad!

A Jihad is a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord orgasbord
After the Archon is trapped
Each night when the HPGs go out
It can be found on the ground all around
That’s where a Commando can glut, glut, glut, glut!

Hey, finishing the fourteen page term paper and turning it in is almost as euphoric as Tatum O’Neal’s little helpers… or so I’ve heard. Now that the crass intro is out of the way, we can get down to the task at hand…

MONDAY! MONDAY! MONDAY!

You know, we always wonder about how those little things in the novel get by. We see the writers, who do a herculean job, slip in little things for dramatic effect but when we read the rules, it’s a WTF! ZOMG! moment. That said, there is an answer to everything and we at Miniature Rules aim to provide those answers.

What was the question again?

[url]http://battletech.cavaliercavalry.com/mrules.htm[/url]

Miniature Rules: Making sure that GhostBear watches the fact checkers very closely…

This week we have two celebrities illustrating what is wrong with America today. These wonderful women, who are actually in fact tools, have done a lot to stick their feet in their mouths which is in fact a better performance than either of their last movies.

First we’ll start with the less-toolish of the two, Sharon Stone. The price of celebrity is not only will your idiotic statements matter, but on the off chance that you’re actually right, enormous pressure can be applied to you to make you retract your statement. She said, with all the right of an American who should be protected by the first amendement, that China was suffering from Karmic backlash. A little non-sensical, but with the build up to Berlin 1936… I mean Bejing 2008 (It’s so hard to tell them apart… do we have Jesse Owens this year?) and the troops in Tibet it makes sence that a buddy of the Dali Lama just might pop off with a critical statement like that. But then China, who’s got like 95% of the money on the planet right now (that’s why I don’t contribute to the relief funds, they can afford to come here and buy some of those cheap-ass tents they sent us from our Big 5′s), shuts off sales of her movies. (Even the pirated ones, this would have thrilled Russia ten years ago…) So now we have an American citizen who’s voice is being directly stiffled by an autocratic regime, good job Bush, Clinton, Bush, and I presume Clinton! Way to bring China into the world community… we needed someone better at telling us how to groupthing, although I prefered Ingsoc.

But is America any better? We come to the next has-been, Susan Sarandon, who says if John McCain is elected president she will leave the country and live in Europe. There are several problems here. First, is she campaigning for or against John McCain? I’ve asked several people around here and they believe that if the price of a McCain presidency is ridding us of Sarandon’s movies well damnit, it’ll be a sacrifice but SHE’S GOTTA GO! Second is the fact that it reinforces the Democratic Elite problem. Most Democrats are poor and middle-class people who have to stay no matter who the President is, but rather than staying and using her money and supposed stardom to play the conscious of America against this supposed great evil of a McCain administration her plan is to take her football and go to Europe. You sanctimonious, pompous, elitist twit. If you really felt that a McCain presidency was that bad, if you don’t stay and keep watch over it with those beliefs you are nothing less than a traitor to America. I have no problem with those that stay and bitch, but those that bitch and leave can stay the hell away for ever.

Anyway, the solution to both problems is the same: a Doug Glendower presidency. There’s space to write in my name, it’s ok. And it’s easier to spell than Obama and less confusing than trying to remember if you’re voting for Bill or Hillary. And if you really feel like throwing down for me, you can add “for life” after President, if you do, I’ll wear one of those cool uniforms like Peron did with the big-ass sunglasses!

I finished the term paper, and I actually am not sick of it when I read it. 13 pages on Owain, I hope I did him justice. Now I enjoy three weeks of decompression, then it’s on to THE ROMAN EMPIRE. I’ve read the Marian Hegemony entry, watched the uncut version of Caligula, played “Battle of Jacob’s Star”, and typed some stuff out in Trajan font. I’m READY, gimme an A now.

Miniature Rules will return Monday, sorry for letting you all down this end of the month, but to make it up, I’ll post two next week, one on Monday, the other will go up Thursday.

If anyone has ideas for minature rules, send them along. I’m a touch burned out, but I’ve six or seven planned… that’s almost enough to carry me until comic-con.

I’m almost on the verge of free-versing train of thought crap right now so I better stop. I’ll have more on Monday.

Not Indiana Jones, the Indianapolis 500. I’ll lay claim to being CBT’s most fanatical devotee of the race, having watched every single one at the earliest possible time for the last 32 years, even threatening to walk out of two jobs that suggested that I miss the Greatest Spectacle In Racing.

I’m just going to give all of you a brief on my feelings about the best five hundred miles anyone can watch, and hopefully one or two of you might be inspired to watch a bit of the race next year. I don’t hold hope you’ll catch it all, three to four hours of left turns has to be built up to.

Winner: Scott Dixon. Great humble New Zealander who’s had a bit of trouble at the brickyard who did what he’d done all month: dominate the track. He had contenders, but it was his race to lose or luck’s to take away from him. He decided he was indeed thirsty for milk and Mr. Gremlin stayed away from his car. Congratulations!

Honorable mention: Tony Kanaan. When he came into the league he played the Vin Diesel character he looked like, but has grown and matured into a real racing gentleman. He took Marco’s low-pass-shutout with grace and patience, and (probably rightly) attributed it to youthful exuberance. When told he’d collected Sarah Fisher, he looked crushed and genuinely looked sorry for her, knowing what she’d been through. Dixon might have gotten the milk, but Kanaan deserved the sportsmanship award.

Sarah Fisher: When you watch her reaction, don’t assume she’s crying because she’s a girl. I’ve seen almost everyone at that race cry with the exception of A.J. Foyt who’s boot leather. She’d come so far and through so much, that the emotions of the Brickyard take hold when you reach the top or hit bottom. I wouldn’t be suprised if a class act such as Andretti-Green give her some support in her bid to make Kentucky.

Loser:

Danica Patrick. I understand the swirl of attention and applauded her win at Twin Ring Motegi, but at Indy she took some black marks to the reputation. Her new “GoDaddy” commercial celebrates her as an inspiration, then features the inspired girl to bump her competetor of the track. Insipid and despicable. But just when you were ready to chalk it up to artistic licence, she stalks down the pit road to seek a confrontation with Ryan Briscoe. Just like you can’t take Fisher’s crying as female emotionalism, you cannot justify this action as “just trying to be one of the boys”. She knows the scrutiny she’s under both by her position and by dint of driving for one of the best teams in the league. This is just bad sportsmanship, and she should have known to let the teams sort it out. It, despite what the idiot thinks, was all on Briscoe but it’s up to her to take the high road here and let him make a fool of himself. If Marco can apologize to sniping under one of his teammates, she should realize crap happens at Indy. Bad form, bad form.

Finally, it’s good to see the Halman-Georges have let bygones be bygones in this post unification era, letting Fittipaldi drive the pace car. Essentially blackballed from IRL since the infamous orange juice fiasco following his win, his return is symbolic that the two leagues have merged amicably and for the best.

Next year is going to be pure awesomeness.

There is now no longer anywhere in Bakersfield to get gas for less than $4 a gallon.

I will be talking to my parents later this week, and even though I’ve always wanted it, and it’s not too-too bad on gas, I simply can no longer afford a car. I will be non-opping it and storing it, and buying a bicycle, I think. It’s three miles to school, and I just don’t feel as if I have a choice anymore.

Fuck you, American government, for betraying the people in the name of special interests for the last forty god-damned years.